Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
