so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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