As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
