I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
