Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
