I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
