turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
