I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
