I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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