Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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