I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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