he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
