She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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