I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
