checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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