I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
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As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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