Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
