remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
