Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
