I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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