Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
