bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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