Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
