i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
