i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I use my feet as sexual weapons
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
