You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
