her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
