I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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