You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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