Michael Bay diarrhea
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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