She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
