Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
