There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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