Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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