On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
