I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
