My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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