i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
