just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I need to calm my uterus...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
