You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
