just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
