Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
