Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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