My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
