i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
