Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
