the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
