Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
