Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
