we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
