this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
