i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine