i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.