there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
