My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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