Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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