when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
