i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
